Butter, Jelly & Bread.

I cannot forget this one.

Jack calls Gavin "Brother" more often than his name.  We have no idea why really, it seems like Gavin would be easier to say but I do often say things like "Cute brothers" so I guess that's why. But with his toddler-ease it comes out more like "Butter".  So the last few days Gavin has replied to the calls of "Butter, Butter, where are you?" with "Here, Jelly." The smart cookie told me Jelly was a good name for him because it started with J like Jack.  Then he proceeded to tell me that he would someday call baby sister "Bread".  Apparently we are the sandwich family, I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere but I'm too tired from this week to contemplate them right now  : )

The Big Day! (Updated)

I knew it was going to be hard, but it was harder than I thought! I had actually convinced myself it was going to be anti-climactic. We went to the Open House yesterday, met his teachers, saw his classroom and learned that his BFF is actually in his class (after we spent all summer telling Gavin he wouldn't be!). Then this morning hit...

He woke up at 5:45 this morning soooo excited and raring to go asking, "Can we leave now Mommy?" He helped me pack his lunch and his book bag, posed dutifully for all the pictures Daddy took and jumped into the car all smiles. He found the classroom with no problem, put his bag in his cubby and then I led him over to his chair. I told him that he should say "Hi" to the new friends sitting at his table. And then my sweet little boy looked up at me with a scared face and tears in his eyes. Uh oh.

I had to walk away at that point, I couldn't let all the little kindergarteners see me lose it! Daddy took over and helped him open his play dough and settle in at his spot at the table. By the time we left, he was okay, not smiling, but okay.

They had sweet volunteers with tissue boxes all over the kindergarten hallway, needless to say I needed a few. They told me they were going to take good care of him and Greg kept telling me the day would be over before I knew it. But here it is lunchtime and I am counting down the minutes until I can go pick him up. (By the way there are exactly 130 minutes!)

It has been SUCH a hard day, every time I think about it I get teary and I keep checking his class schedule to see what he is doing. So in any case definitely NOT anti-climactic! Good Lord we are going to have to have a million kids because I can't imagine what it will be like to watch the youngest go, this was heartbreaking enough! (I'm already starting to try to convince poor Greg that we need a fourth and we don't even have the third yet!)

Update: I feel so much better now! When I picked him up he was a little chatterbox telling me about all the fun things he did today (and he is NOT usually much of a talker so this was impressive!). Then he said- "Can I go back tomorrow" Well as a matter of fact you can!

Date Night!

I have stolen the idea from some of you online moms to keep track of some of the "kiddie moments" here. I too am AWFUL with baby books. I dutifully bought them and then proceeded to use them as folders for pictures and mementos and wrote about five words in each!

With his entrance to "big boy school" fast approaching too quickly I am trying to spend a lot of special one-on-one time with my big boy. We had a date night a few nights ago. I took him to The Melting Pot for fondue. He was soooo grown up (minus the chocolate on his face)! I am constantly amazed that we can have real discussions now. Although one major focus of the night was what we were going to do next (his vote was Wal-mart to look at toys : ) We were sitting dipping our apples in cheese when he asked if we could bring Jackie with us next time, since he was so sad when we left. I told him probably not for awhile since there are burners in the middle of the table and Jack is too little and might get burned. Those boys vacillate wildly between worst enemies and best friends! But this led to a discussion of when Gavin was a baby and he looked up at me all seriousness and said, "Mommy I want to always be five. I don't want to get any bigger." Awwwww. My sweet baby, me too! Of course I tried to tell him all the good things about getting older. But all I could think was, uh oh my little boy has inherited my neurotic awareness of time passing!! It started most recently when a friend of mine said to him (as I was trying to get him to eat his lunch- the kid doesn't eat!) that he needed to eat to get big and strong and his initial reaction was- I don't want to get big and strong, I want to stay little! Today he said to me, "I think tomorrow I'm going to be 4 again. 4 was good." If only it were that easy.

When Did I Get So Old???

Ok, so this is purely self-indulgent rambling, but I don't often go to our local traditional mall (shopping here is going more towards the outdoor malls where you just drive to the store you want, or maybe some people walk, with 2 kids I drive : ) ), but I didn't realize I was quite so out of touch.  Today I saw that there was an entire hall of stores I have never heard of! When did Hollister and Abercrombie become passe? I mean those were admittedly pretty much after my time too, but I did used to go to Limited and NY & Co.  Well, I suddenly realized that I am extremely unlikely to step foot in about half of the stores in the mall (Baby Gap and the Disney Store went out of business and were replaced by these newbies) because I feel ancient in there! I can only shudder and wonder what in the world the shopping will be like by the time I have teenagers.  I don't know if I'll even want them to want me with them, some of those Moms looked pretty miserable ; ) Gone are the days when I can feel hip and trendy I guess.  At least there's online, anonymous shopping!! 

Brothers!

I just had to document this.  This boy constantly cracks me up and his interpretation and understanding of the adoption constantly catches me by surprise.

Gavin and I were watching "The Adoption Story" a few days ago (or rather I was watching, he was playing on the couch beside me).  It was the one where the couple with two little girls go to India to adopt twin boys (have they made any new ones in the past 5 years?)

So, Gavin looks up and sees the baby boys in the orphanage.   Seizing the opportunity I mention how it is the same country where we will go someday to get his new sibling and ask how he feels about that.  I am expecting a comment on the scenes of India they were showing or the babies in the orphanage.  

You can just see the wheels turning in his head as he watches quietly for a moment, "Mommy they have brothers in India too?" 

"Umm, yes, there are both boys and girls born everywhere." (I had no idea he labored under the misconception that only girls were adopted!). 

"So I could get a brother?" 

"Theoretically, yes," I answered, thinking of how he had been fussing all morning about how his brother keeps getting into his toys, "Do you want another brother?" 

"Yes Mommy, let's go to India and get 5, they got 2, but I want 5." 

I choked, "You want 5 more baby brothers?! 5 more like Jack?" 

"Yup, and 2 sisters, too, so we'll have some girls." 

"Gavin, where will they sleep?" 

"Well, the girls can sleep in the toy room (guest room) and the boys can sleep on Jack's floor."

 

Aah, so still not willing to share (we had originally planned on moving the boys in together sometime in the next year so we could keep the guest room when the 3rd addition arrives, but that is seeming more and more unlikely!). I finally quashed his hope though, "I don't think Daddy would let us get 7 more."

You Know You're Waiting for a Referral If...

Finally I'll be lighthearted (for a minute at least!).  I went to see Mama Mia with a girlfriend tonight.  At the end Sophie sings "I Have a Dream" :

I believe in angels

Something good in everything I see

I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream- I have a dream

Only a prospective adoptive parent would relate that to the wait for a referral! Good to get out of the house only to be reminded that I'm obsessed : ) 

Tonight also reminded me that while I love my houseful of boys, I am so grateful for all the women in my life! Girlfriends, both online and "in real life", you have made the journey (both the adoption one and many others besides) infinitely more interesting, supportive and most of all fun!

Someone Said It Better Than Me (and did it in less words too)!

I have been obsessed with reading (ok I've been obsessed with reading my whole life that's why I do what I do and it's why I have begun to create a sort of book review of sorts on this blog although I am about 20 books behind) adoption memoirs of late.  I love reading other parents' perspectives on their experiences and at the same time am wishing that I had written some of the lines that they have written (that's always how I know when I really admire an author- when I wish I'd written what they wrote!). 

I just finished China Ghosts by Jeff Gammage.  I love his perspective, it's so like my own.  But in light of the rather melancholy beginning to this blog (I swear I'm not really a brooding type of person and sooner or later I'll post something upbeat) I thought it only appropriate to include this quote which encapsulates what I already feel so well:

"There is never a day I don't think about them [the birthparents]. Never a day I don't consider the paradox of our situations, don't ponder the cold truth that my life's happiness springs from their life's anguish.  A Chinese acquaintance calls it "the burden of good fortune"-- the price that must be paid for having benefitted so greatly from the misfortune of another." p. 239

Yes, we're expecting a third...someday.

It wasn't the first time but it happened again today.  We ran into old friends who didn't yet know we were adopting.  I sent an email en-masse to close friends and family when we got on "the list" but of course there are a large number of new acquaintances and old friends who don't know.  

"So when are you going to have another?"

"Well, actually we're in the process of adopting."

Why? Where from? When? How old will the child be? Will it be a girl? etc. etc.

I know this conversation is a million times easier than some we'll undoubtedly have once we are a transracial family, but still I get a strange feeling every time during the pause.  As I say, "Yes, we're having a third" and people invariably look at my stomach and I have to quickly explain, "Nope not pregnant."  And then, because we have two biological children I feel like I have to explain further why we're adopting.  I feel the need to explain even when they don't ask, I don't know why. Maybe because some part of me feels guilty that we can have the ones we do and add another when some people are hoping so hard for just one.  

But in any case, really none of my answers to the "why" seem to really encapsulate the true "why" of why we chose this route.  It's true that the doctor recommended that we not have any more biological children (see, here I go again explaining) since I hemorrhaged after both boys' deliveries.  But that's not really the entire story.  The problem is that I don't know where it really begins, I'm not sure where the story starts.  I know we'd talked about adoption before we ever had Gavin. I can't remember but it may even have been before we were married.  Maybe it started with the book my Mom gave me that I loved as a child, "Kim: Gift from Vietnam",  my interracial relationship in high school,  Indian friends in New York, the study abroad in China, Greg's adopted sisters... I know they all had an effect. Yet I'm still not exactly sure how we got here or how we got to the moment of certainty that this would be how we would build our family. To be honest, most days it still doesn't feel quite real. 

Then again I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm a grown up, that I have two children, it all still seems a bit unbelievable at times (of course those times are NOT during diaper changes or screeching fights over Optimus Prime). So maybe this is just par for the course, it all goes too fast to truly digest (yes I was that fourteen year old who was sad about turning fifteen because it seemed so much older). 

How quickly the time goes.

Gavin Then (6-03)

Gavin Now

Jack Then (1-07)

Jack (Jack-in-the-Box) Now

In Utero and Other Thoughts

It occurred to me the other day (yeah math is really not my strong suit so I won't lay out my monthly calculations for you, besides I could be totally wrong) that it is entirely possible that our future child has been conceived.  For a minute I was unequivocally thrilled, it seemed so much more tangible to know that there is possibly a being already present (in some form at least) on this earth who will someday be coming home with us.  The equivalent almost of realizing you're pregnant but not having any outward symptoms yet (of course with a much less definite timeline and no weight gain).

But then... it occurred to me that thinking about that comes with it thoughts of pregnancy. There is a pregnant mother, who may already be conflicted, miserable or agonized.  And I was slammed with guilt, again.  That I have the resources, background and social community that allow me to adopt a child from across the world while the mother who by all rights should have the joys of witnessing the shy smiles, the eyelashes fluttering against cheeks in sleep, the small fingers reaching up,  will be deprived of those moments. For no reason other than pure luck of birthplace and circumstance, I will get all the joys and challenges that she will be denied.  

This may seem like a strange place to start this blog, but I have always struggled with the notion of destiny and self-determination, the haves and have-nots, the right path vs. wrong.  I like to believe that this child who will be born in India is meant to be ours that our destinies are meant to be interwoven, but many days I have a difficult time reconciling that notion with the mother who will be left behind and the child who will be taken far away from the land of her history and birth.

I haven't yet figured out how to be excited for us and miserably sympathetic for the awful social and global conditions that will force this mother into an impossible place.  So for now I vacillate wildly between the two.  One moment I feel a lurch of hope in my chest, an ache in my arms for my future child and the next, guilt and misery for this woman who will not be given the privilege of raising her.