The Good & The Bad- No Ugly (Warning Loooong Post)

The Bad Stuff- I mostly live in a world of educated denial where I try to put as many of the bad things out of my head as often as possible and revel in my family's goodness, but it's been a rough week and so I'm going to be self-indulgent for a minute (feel free to skip ahead to the happy parts if you don't want a downer). I learned this week that my suitemate from college died unexpectedly at the very end of her maternity leave- she had just had her first child. I haven't spoken to her in several years but was just looking for her on fb and I cannot get over the fact that her infectious laugh and sweet complete loyalty are gone from this world (she was the one who would lounge on your bed and indignantly exclaim that your ex-boyfriend isn't good enough for you and giggle over the new boy who asked for your number. She'd drag you out of bed and up to the happenings of the night) . I grieve for her baby son who will not get to hear that laugh or feel that protective, fierce loyalty. Also this week we learned that the seven year old my Mom used to care for has had a cancer re-lapse and must have radiation on her brain. She was three when she had cancer the first time and although it was awful and heartbreaking, in a way it's worse now. She's old enough to know what she's missing from school, old enough to understand a bit of what is happening and old enough to know how scared and worried her parents are and the grim possibilities that lay ahead.

All of this combined with the sleep deprivation from grading final papers and Jack's sinus infection means that my emotions are so very close to the surface. I got an email advertisement from Gymboree and clicked on it and just for grins looked at the baby girl stuff and for the first time in a long time really felt a strong tug of frustration and despair and fear (ironic that shopping of all things would trigger this), suddenly all the bad things that could happen, in the world and our adoption journey in particular, seemed all too real. We are at the end of Week 8 of our NOC wait, which I know isn't really that long and I know we have been truly lucky and blessed by the speediness of our process thus far, but they had been flying right through for the last few months and I really thought we'd have it by now.

The Good Stuff- I was tagged twice last week (once via email but I'm posting it here : ) and I decided to add them (even though it might make me win some record for blog length) to this post to remind myself and others that despite all of the above there are reasons to be happy and hopeful.

The first one was by lovely Amy- 10 Things I'm Grateful For

(1) My boys. Who are an endless source of inspiration, sweetness and amusement! 

(2) My parents. Who didn't think I was crazy for pulling up stakes, leaving my secure, lucrative job as an attorney and moving four states away (they've since followed me- how many parents would do that?!) with a newborn, to go back to school to become a writer! And for being the kind of parents who encourage dreams and do their best to help you achieve them.

(3) Books. I couldn't live without 'em, or wouldn't want to anyway. My escape and truly my favorite thing to do.

(4) DVR. When I'm not reading (or grading) late at night I am watching completely unnecessary but totally fun dramatic television shows.

(5) My truly wonderful Dillon Mama Blog Friends. If I could have you all over for cocktails and cookies I would- and what a fun bash that would be!

(6) My brother. A big teddybear of man who I love and admire. I truly hope for my children to have the love and respect for each other that we do. His bear hugs and smiles and true love of my children are something I will always cherish.

(7) New York. Upstate and down and all the memories of this wonderful place.  For the snowball fights, the romance and the spirit.  Though I don't live there right now so many of my best memories are there and I will ALWAYS be a New Yorker at heart.

(8) Toddlerease. I love, love Jack's "I lubee you", his demanding "hug, hug baby Jebus" "I do" "I need" "I see" "Where Gavin" "What you taaking 'bout" "Sicle" (popsicle) "I come" (as I'm leaving to go to work) "shopping! shopping!" (whenever we pass a store), "Kissmas comig" and "Try again!"

(9) The Joy of Learning. I love seeing it in my college students who get so animated about subjects they are passionate about. And I love seeing it in Gavin's Kindergarten eyes- his true unadulterated joy when he reads a book himself, when he can count by fives, each new thing he learns he is so proud of and excited by. I hope he doesn't lose that light in his eyes everytime something clicks.

(10) Last but not least my wonderful husband. Somehow I managed to find a man who will happily vacuum (I haven't touched a vacuum in years), do dishes, put up with my idiosyncracies and cuddle our children. I am so lucky!

And I ran out, but given the subject of this blog I know you all know that adoption has always been and will always be close to my heart.

And I am also so grateful for girlfriends- past, present and future, songs that make you turn the radio up, coffee, first snowfalls, great restaurants, hugs, old friends, poetry, chocolate and Barbie dolls! And that's just this morning, I'm sure by tonight I would have a whole other list. 

The second tag is about Holiday Traditions

My favorite Christmas song and why- My answer to this is perhaps a bit unexpected. I sing "Frosty" (badly) and "Rudolph" with the kids loudly in the car and in the living room. But my favorite is actually "O Come All Ye Faithful". I remember sitting in the backseat of my parents car as a child and singing all the verses (it was the song my class at my Catholic elementary school was singing for the Christmas nativity program mass) and it was snowing out (remember I grew up in upstate NY- it was ALWAYS snowing!) but I was warm in the car in my coat and mittens and looking out at the pretty snowflakes. This song always gives me a feeling of peace and somehow I can sing it okay (not too many difficult notes). I actually have sung it to both the boys year-round as I rock them.

Favorite Childhood Christmas Memory- I have an awful memory, really awful. I often don't remember people from high school until they remind me how I know them (in my defense I did graduate in a class over 700, so pretty big). But I remember one Christmas where my parents got this crazy blue and white candleabra thing with tinsel all over it- it was truly a sight to behold and my extended family (very large and often bickering) all just laughed hysterically as my father put it on his head. I know I was in an Annie dress so I must've been about seven, and all I remember is that laughter and the tears of mirth streaming down people's faces.

Favorite Christmas Tradition- I have tried mostly unsuccessfully to implement a number of traditions with the boys. When Gavin was a baby I thought it would be so wonderful if I could make him an ornament every year. We have ONE homemade ornament (I am NOT crafty, I don't know what I was thinking). We spend Christmas with my family every year (Christmas is very important to my mother and I am more than happy to let her do the majority of the decorating, cooking and planning) so I don't feel that we have a lot of new traditions. But I love taking Gavin shopping (he just reminded me today we haven't done this yet this year); I love seeing him pick out his own gifts for each person and the excitement on his face when he watches them open them.

**** So I tag all my lovely bloggy friends because it is always good to remember all the wonderful things in life (and besides I still need a little cheering)*********